looking back

As I mentioned in my comeback post a lot of things have been on my mind lately. The last few weeks I have been having dreams and random memmories about people I haven't seen or spoken to in ages. Not sure what sparked this and it doesn't really matter. I was thinking about all the people we meet in life and how they effect us. Some have a large effect on us and some leave little or no trace. But those relationships regardless shape our life to some extent and there is a part of me that mourns their passing. It is one thing to say, "Ok I am done here, I am moving on," but when those times and relationships just fade without notice it sort of leaves you hanging on.
In my case, it often seems to me that I wonder what happened to girls I've known. This probably doesn't come as a shock to you but I find myself wondering about the girls I was friends with and lost track of. Not really my old flames, but more like the one's that got away or those that I got really close with really fast and just as quickly they were gone from my life. I am often reminded of these people by dreams that I have.
It is sort of a perplexing thing, these people that pop in and out of my head the way they popped in and out of my life. Sometimes when I think of them I have to get in touch with them to see how they are. It becomes a nagging sensation to find out where they are and what they are doing. Other times, the memmories are painful and you can't help but stop everything you are doing and think about what happened.
I often wonder if I am the only one who does this. I think that I probably am not, because I highly doubt that I am the originator of anything. But no one ever seems to talk about it. It really is a bizzarre sensation to be sitting one day and suddenly, like being struck by lighting, you remember someone from the past. Regardless of what those memmories are like you just can't stop till you know what they are doing. I often lament that they fell out of my life to begin with when I think of how much they meant to me in the past. There are some you find and you pick up right where you left off. Others it is a little awkward, and sometimes the relationship changes. It can become romantic, antagonistic, or you become even better friends.
So what is my point? My point is that I have never realized until recently how many people pass through your life like a traffic stop. That isn't a bad thing and frankly unless you live on a mountain by yourself it can't be helped. What amazes me is the degree to which one person can have an effect on you and your life while countless others just pass on through without so much as a glimmer. What makes that one so special? Why not the others? Further still is the realization that they can effect your life and then disappear without a trace. I know some people might read this and feel I am writing about a past relationship with a past girlfriend or something but this entry is truly not about that. More over, I never wonder what is going on with my past girlfriends. Well that is not entirely true, but for the most part I am done with them, and they with me. I am more apt to wonder what happened to the girl who got away, or the girl who helped me get through statistics my freshman year in college, or the girl that I studied with in Oceanography that kept me from failing. For me, it is usually girls I think about, not sure why...maybe cause I have all the guys in my life that I need. Maybe not enough of them make a big enough impact. What happened to my friend that got pregnant? What about that girl I used to shoot hoops with at 1 am?
It is like a VH-1 where are they now that goes through my head. I often ask myself, "why the hell do I care?" but for some reason I do.
Maybe that is the secret to it all, is that I actually care. I care what is going on in their life, I care that they were my friends once but not now. I care that my life is not being enriched by their friendship. What I realize now though is that I care that I never got to tell them that I care. That our interaction feels like it ended before it began. That if I could let them know just for a second what that one moment in my life meant to me that I shared with them, then I could continue on and not look back.
Sometimes I get the chance to do it, sometimes I don't. This post has taken me days to finish. Not because it is great writing (are any of my posts great writing?) or that I have been to busy (which I have) but rather it took a while because I wasn't sure what I felt or why I felt for these memmories, nor what I should say about them. I still feel like I have more to say on the subject, but I am not sure what. This all started one morning (acutally the last time I had a good nights sleep) and haunted me for days afterwards. Do I feel better that I have written this down? Somewhat, even though I don't feel like I have compeleted this entry or truly understand what I myself am trying to say. But this will have to do for now, ain't life a kick in the pants sometimes...
Life...you stinker!